How Much Should You Share?

During a deployment, many couples face tough decisions about how honest to be about problems at home… and about combat situations that the soldier is facing.

Emails and phone calls may be few and far between, and some spouses don’t want to use up that time complaining. Likewise, soldiers may fear that if they’re honest about their missions, their spouses will be more stressed.

So, what is the right amount of honesty? Major Scott Delbridge, an Army Chaplain, says there’s no “right formula” for every couple. “It depends on the strength of your marriage before the deployment,” he says, “and the maturity and communication skills of each partner. You have to know what your spouse can handle.” Delbridge suggests working on your communciation before the deployment, and talking to your spouse about how much they want to know about difficulties at home or in the field.

Jo, an Army wife, says she and her husband tried to be as honest with each other as possible. “There were definately times when it was hard to move on with my day after I heard from my hustand that his convoy was hit by an IED (Improvised Explosive Device), but the more ‘in touch’ I felt with what it was like for him – and what he might be feeling – the more prepared I was to help him cope with it.”

Erin, also an Army wife, took a slightly different approach with her soldier. “Idon’t want to know the details and he doesn’t want me to know the details. He knows I will worry more and that’s hard for both of us.”

It’s a blancing act on the homefront, too. “Avoid over-burdening your soldier with things they can’t help you take care of,” warns Delbbridge. That means sometimes if  the kids are behaving poorly, the dog needs to go to the vet or the car has broken down, it might be bettter to mention it after you’ve handled it. But under-sharing can make your soldier feel even more out of touch.

“Keeping each other informed,” says Jo, “made us feel like we still had a connection, even though we were a world apart.”.

Read more about how Paul, Katie, Mark and Kelly handled telling the truth while deployed.