Paul and I decided long before he left that we would implement the much-frowned-upon ‘complete honesty’ policy during the deployment. I’m SO glad we did. When your spouse is deployed, you’re going to be nervous and frightened – There’s no way around it. I spent much of the year feeling like that, and yes, those feelings were probably heightened by Paul’s honesty.

Every time the truck in front of Paul’s truck was hit by an IED, I knew about it. Every time someone shot at him and he felt the bullet whiz past his cheek, he told me. Every time he loaded a wounded comrad onto the helicopter, we talked about it. I’m not going to lie about the number of sleepless nights I suffered through this year (365!). It was rough. But Paul’s honesty enabled 4 things to happen that I could not have survived the deployment without:

#1. I knew my feelings were normal.
Why was I scared? Because I had every reason to be! Paul was in one of the most dangerous places on earth, doing one of the most dangerous jobs. Yes, I worried that he would die. We had a very good friend who was killed in combat during the deployment. And as devestating as his death was – and as overwhelming as it was to be that afraid – I always knew that my reactions were normal, and that helped me deal with them.
When my doctor suggested pills for depression and anxiety, I declined. Was I depressed and anxious? Absolutely. But I felt like having those feelings was a normal part of the deployment experience. Refusing to deal with them would have been a lot less healthy than spending a few days curled up on the couch watching Sex and the City re-runs.
So I forced myself to acknowledge my feelings, accept them, and make peace with the fear. Only then did I start to feel better.

#2. We talked about Paul’s feelings.
When you’re being honest with your spouse about all the awful things you see, you can’t pretend they don’t affect you. When Paul told me about IEDs or fire fights, I had the opportunity to ask questions. Were you scared? How do you feel about the combat? How are you holding up? What helps you get through it? Not only did I get to know my husband a heck of a lot better than I would have if we had been sipping martinis at our favorite bar back home, I was able to help him by giving him an outlet to process his feelings. Genuine fear eliminates a lot of the game-playing. Paul and I grew a lot closer over the year we were apart because neither of us could pretend that super-scary things weren’t happening. They were, and we were going through them together.

#3. I was never surprised.
The motto of our e-newsletter, the Deployment Digest, is “the more you know… the easier it is.” I found that especially true in this case. The less surprised I was about the awful things that happened to Paul’s team, the better I could handle it. We are very lucky that Paul came home uninjured. Several members of his team did suffer injuries in Afghanistan. The first time an IED exploded and injured one of the soldiers on Paul’s team was a traumatic day for all of us. Paul called and told me what happened and of course my first instinct was to call the wife of that soldier and offer my support. But Paul reminded me that not all the wives on the team knew as much about what was happening as I did. When I did speak to that wife a few days later, she told me that she had no idea that her husband was in such danger. When he called her from the helicopter as he was being flown to the hospital she was completely blindsided. I can only imagine how much harder it was for her to process her husband’s injury emotionally since she didn’t have the opportunity to prepare herself for the possibility of him being wounded. (Although, I am happy to report that this soldier is recovering well and has a very strong wife and family to lean on.)

#4. I knew what to expect when he came home.
When Paul returned from Afghanistan, I knew that he had been through some pretty horrible things. That helped me be patient with him when he wasn’t acting like himself or wanted to be alone. We both changed a lot during the deployment, but at least we could understand some of the reasons behind that change. We know some couples who have had a hard time coming together again after a deployment. Sharing your experiences with each other during the year apart can help pave the way for having a shared life again when your spouse comes home, instead of feeling like strangers in the same house.

A quick note about honesty from the homefront – I did choose to tell Paul about stressful events at home. When the well froze or the family of mice moved in, I needed to share some of that stress with him. Just because he was overseas didn’t mean he stopped being my husband. I still needed to lean on him. But I did always try to ask about his day first. That way, if he was upset about something or preparing for a dangerous mission, I could hold my news until a time when he could handle it better.

Honesty won’t work for everyone. You have to know yourself – and know your spouse. Can you handle the fear that comes with honesty along with your responsibilities on the homefront – work, parenting, household chores – there’s a lot to do, and the last thing you want is to make it harder on yourself. But if you – like me – are the kind of person who feels more equipped to handle things when they have all the information, talk to your spouse about deployment honesty. At the very least, it’s sure to spark some interesting conversations, and surviving deployment as a couple is all about communication.

Read more about deployment communication.