Dear Deployment: You Won
By Katie • Jun 1st, 2009 • Category: Civilian Support, Combat Stress, Post-Deployment, RelationshipsDear Deployment,
You won.
I tried to fight you; but in the end you were more powerful than me. More powerful than him. More powerful than us.
You changed him. After knowing you, he is not a man I recognize. I loved him the best I knew how, but I could not understand the secrets you two shared. Even now that you are gone, I know he sees you in his dreams. I know he feels you close, even now – still gaining on him when his mind is quiet. He cannot outrun you. He has so many secrets now that he won’t tell anyone but you. And I believe one day they will destory him, just like they destoyed us.
I didn’t want him to meet you. Begged him to walk away. But you are a manipulative master. You woo with promises of excitement and and destiny; training put to good use. Then, once the committment is made, you deliver only death and destruction and distance. And no one who knows you is ever the same. Your power is transformational. I am jealous of the loyalty you command. Your ability to make him choose you over me. To claim so many others like him, and leave so many like me behind to wonder what we could have done differently.
But the answer is: nothing.
There is no way to beat you once you take hold. And that’s the part no one realizes until it’s too late. No debriefs, no classes, no counseling sessions can ever un-teach the lessons they have learned from you. No amount of time can fully heal the pain you’ve caused. And as he drove away, I heard you laughing. Because it’s not just him you took. You have forever changed me as well.
And so, deployment, you won. He is gone now. Alone with his memories of you.
And me, with my memories of him.
Katie is of the opinion that re-deployment is harder than deployment itself. The year Paul and I spent apart was tough, but nothing could have prepared me for trying to come back together again. Homecoming was full of challenges I never expected - no matter how many books I read!
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I am in tears!!! I am so sad for the loss that you’ve both experienced… the loss that happens again and again everyday. Love to you both… may it in the end, conquer all.
This letter is a very truthful and painful one to read. Although not each and every marriage ends with the deployment they all change…there is no denying that. Each person is different. Despite the good and the bad. The deployment is the ‘Commander in Chief’ of the next few years of your life, even when it is supposed to be over.
I write Dear Deployment letters all the time, have read several. I think this is the saddest one I have read. I have been through a few of these, and I am currently in the tail end of a current one, this time my husband was hurt, not bad, but he hit an IED and thankfully sustained only minor injuries. But I asked deployment to return my husband to me in the condition I gave him. Of all his deployments these last 7 months in Afghanistan have without a doubt been the hardest. We have made it through the others and will surely make it through this one because we will do whatever we need to. I am sorry that you feel you lost your husband to deployment. Maybe you can try to get him back, there is so much help available and groups out there that are willing to help you find your way. There is no doubt that deployment lingers on our men and woman, and some have a harder time than others. I hope you are still fighting, don’t let deployment win, you are stronger. Love is stronger.
Hi usmcwife8999,
Thanks for your insights…. I hope the rest of your deployment goes smoothly and your husband comes home safely. I am so thankful for his service… and for yours.
I did, indeed, lose Paul to the deployment. He left me 6 weeks after he returned home. I don’t know why. (Yes – I have lots of theories – all related to deployment) but the truth is he never gave me a reason. In fact, we never spoke about it. One night he left and never came back. 8 months later, we were divorced. No talking it over; no counseling; no trying to work it out – not even a conversation about why he chose to leave.
Do I hate him? No. I was there every step of the way during that deployment. I know what he went through. And I know what he sacrificed. I truly believe that he gave everything he had on the battlefield and had nothing left to give when he came home. He was simply unable to be part of a marriage, and didn’t know what else to do. At any rate, that’s my truth – I guess I’ll never know his version.
Do I hate the deployment? Yes, some days I do. I hated it many days during the year we endured it. But mostly now I see all the things it taught me. All the ways I am stronger for having gone through it. All the things I learned about myself.
And the most powerful truth of all: even if I had known how it would turn out; I would have done it all over again.
Wow. This one hit really close to home. We haven’t yet reached the halfway mark, but John and I have been through some doozies during this deployment. At times, the only thing I feel keeps him around is the fact that over the last 5 years, we’ve been able to make it past far distances and new duty stations.
I feel for you, I really do. I’m scared that something like this can happen to a woman who obviously loved her husband with her whole heart. I can relate to the hurt you felt while he was gone, not being able to do a thing when he was frustrated. I heard about “dear deployment” letters and just wrote my first one. It was hard. It took me from feeling hurt and abandoned to feeling angry. I never thought writing could be THAT therapeutic.
I wish you the best, and I’m praying for you!